again i betrayed myself
by not following through
on a promise i meant to keep.
as much as things change
a thing that always
seems to stay the same
is i put myself last.

4 years ago i was getting stronger
and learning to let my roots grow
how to bend but not break
like a willow

it’s year 12 this year,
and my lesson should be
to treat myself a little nicer
maybe i’ll buy some
linen & silk

once upon a time
i thought this book
was lost to the world
left on a plane
loved by a stranger

i held more grief then
than when we broke up

i read about this theory recently
about how in reincarnation
there are more than just
soulmates
that sometimes
there are soul families
people that belong together
are connected
across multiple lives

now…
i wouldn’t say that i believe
but i also..
don’t
not
believe

so maybe it’s true
or maybe i’m just high
but i’d like to think
that if it happened to be true
you would be mine
and that’s why it feels like
we’ve led such similar lives

we’re reflecting back at each other

there’s a war in my head
when i try to write about you

the logician who tries to rationalise
with statistics and probability
saying it wasn’t “destiny” but only
just a matter of time
because of proximity,
demographic, blah blah blah

in comes the romantic who says
no fuck that! it doesn’t matter
how close we live to each other,
or how many friends we have in common.

what matters is that the universe
wanted us to reconnect.
all those years ago, when we met
was just a preview of an upcoming
blockbuster romance film of the century

what matters is how when i’m with you
i feel like home.
i feel whole,
i feel a love that
permeates my entire existence
a feeling like
for the first time in my life
i know where i belong.

i had dreams of us
being in love
for years to come
but we’re more like
cancer infested kids
headed to an early grave
who could never give up
on the idea of being cool.

beauty and grace
she moves through
time and space
but i don’t know
how to dance
so i’ll hold up the wall
whilst she cuts up a rug
and makes the world fall in love

i’ve been fighting labels all my life
fighting to be more than
what they decided i would be
an accident
an outcast
a heathen
a bastard
a role model
a disappointment
a failure
a mistake
fighting for my place
even if i didn’t know what for
even if i end up just another number
it’s my number
and it’s my place to decide my trajectory
so forgive me if i’m tired
and don’t always want to aim higher
i’ve been fighting my whole life

landing in an unfamiliar place
i step off the plane
and look to the sky
i realise it’s starting to rain.

the feeling of cleansing is so distracting
i forgot why i ever came.

it’s been so long
since la has seen the rain

i forgot what it smells like
right before it hits
petrichor

i always forget how much i miss the rain

and i’m thinking of you
wondering if you ever think of me too?
does your husband let you keep,
my love letter you framed
hanging on the wall,
or did you take it down
and hide it away?
a secret that only we know