when i was 21,
i had a shirt with the kanji for invincible,
that i’d wear to every club night and party
proudly, almost daringly,
like i wanted the universe to test me.

it’s not that i was delusional
i never actually thought i was invincible
but i was so far down a black hole
of depression and self hatred
and suicidal ideation,
i never thought i’d make it
to the other side of 25.

having those thoughts accompany me
everywhere i went,
gave me a sense of reckless abandon

i don’t remember exactly
when things changed
but when my car hydroplaned
and hit the center divider on the 101
a day before turning 28,
it was terrifying

i no longer felt invincible
i felt small and scared

even now, almost a year later
and i still can’t bring myself
to drive in the rain